Tuesday, May 29, 2007


As a late bloomer, when you finally press your lips up against the softest skin you’ve ever felt and look into the eyes of someone you can really communicate with … well, trust me, you are going to let this person in deeper than anyone ever before. It will awaken depths of emotion inside of you that were long buried. Bam! – you’re 13 years old again and no more able to handle these new emotions than you were back then.

When that person decides to rip out your heart and put it through a paper shredder, you will find yourself driven to the very brink of insanity. Your long-suffering loved ones will no longer recognize the formerly cool, collected friend/mother/daughter they’ve always known.

This blog is dedicated to those pathetic sods (you know who you are) who are, at this very moment, being Haunted By Their Exes. Being in this same position myself, I have done extensive research on how to still those thoughts swirling around in your head, still the ache in your empty chest cavity and achieve peace of mind.

I’ve spoken at length to those wise and wonderful women who have survived years in the lesbian world. The bad news is that all agree that it takes two years to get over someone; one year to not burst into tears every time you see this person and another year to accept that they are really gone from your life and, hopefully, wish them well. Don’t want to give this person two more years of your life? Too bad, that time frame seems to be universal. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any shortcuts, but there are ways to live in your head more comfortably. And here they are …

1) Get rid of all pictures and visual reminders of your ex. I know – looking at her was one of your favorite things to do but I don’t care. Cut them up, cut them out, set them afire, toss ‘em in the trash, or at least box everything up and hide it out in the storage shed.

2) Develop a catch phrase, one sentence long. Make it your mantra. It should encapsulate what it was about this person that made your relationship not work. Repeat this phrase whenever the thought of her pops into your head. Some that I’ve heard are … “That whack job, that nutcase.” “Her life is way too busy for me.” “Too much drama.” “Childish and immature.” Pick one of the above or create your own.

3) Put a name to the demons that have you running around in circles. One is Time. Suddenly you will find yourself with time on your hands – the time that was once taken up by your relationship. Use this time to get involved in your community, be with family, put more energy and focus into your job. Consider volunteering to meet more people.

4) Dwell on the negative. Make a list of every way this person ever did you wrong or annoyed you. Make it a goal to add one or two items to it every night. Read it carefully before you go to bed. There is no statute of limitations on this list and it’s your most important possession. Do not ever get rid of it. Refer to it when, and if, your little narcissist should ever again show up on your doorstep. Rehearse what you’ll say to her when this happens. While it seems negative, it's important to get in touch with your anger in order to pull away emotionally.

5) Seek out others like yourself. Form a Lonely Hearts Club. Believe me, your loved ones probably didn’t like your ex and aren’t going to be patient with your ongoing obsession over her. As you find others going through the same thing, you will find each other stories to be fascinating. You will understand their pain and they yours. If they are further along in the recovery process, you will find them to be inspiring. If you are further along, you will inspire them. Either way, you’ll both feel better about everything.

6) Take up an activity that will shake the cobwebs out. Motorcycling, pottery, choir singing, knitting, working out, golfing … anything that is active but also somewhat mindless. The rush and endorphines will help bring about a tranquil, peaceful feeling.

7) Move or travel. A change of scenery that doesn’t hold memories of her can be immensely helpful.

8) Find a new love. I know, you can’t imagine yourself with anyone else yet ... you would be on the rebound, etc. Whatever, just do it. It will give you something to look forward to, something else to think about. It will break up those obsessive thought patterns. Also, it will make you feel better about yourself to have someone interested in you again.


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